Marriage can be an invitation to complacency if you see it as a lifetime commitment that you can simply count on without having to do the work. A marriage is dynamic. Even though it might not look like it on the surface, there are two different people with constantly changing thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and needs. If you peel back a layer or two, the dynamism is there.
What does a static relationship look like?
What happens when you treat an inherently dynamic entity as something that is static and predictable? Let's take a step back and start with what it would look like to treat a relationship as static and predictable.
Here are some examples:
Here are some examples:
- You don't communicate on a regular basis.
- You take each other for granted in different ways.
- You don't make time to spend together on a regular basis.
- You assume you know what your partner thinks and feels because you have been together for a long time.
What happens when we treat our relationship as static and predictable?
We all do these things at times, but the trouble comes when we get stuck in the habit of doing these things over an extended period of time. This brings us back to the question of what happens when we treat our relationship as static and predictable.
Here are some examples:
Here are some examples:
- You feel resentful.
- You feel alone.
- You start to look elsewhere for companionship.
- You are more like roommates than partners.
- You don't have any fun together.
What You can do about it
The good news is that all it takes is recognition that things are stagnant and that they won't just magically change without doing something about it. If you are both able to recognize and own it then you are well on your way.
If only one of you is willing to recognize and own it, you have to start by doing the work yourself. That means letting go of being the victim, blaming your partner, and asking yourself what you are doing to contribute to the situation. It's never just one person.
This is where it really helps to be in therapy. If you do the work and own your part, things will inevitably change even if your partner is resistant. If you continue to blame your partner for what is or isn't happening, you will stay stuck in the same old dance you feel so badly about. You don't have to know or predict the outcome. You need to take it a day at a time and focus on what you can control versus what is outside of your control.
Start with you. What do you need to work on? What are you doing to keep the dance going? Own your part.
If only one of you is willing to recognize and own it, you have to start by doing the work yourself. That means letting go of being the victim, blaming your partner, and asking yourself what you are doing to contribute to the situation. It's never just one person.
This is where it really helps to be in therapy. If you do the work and own your part, things will inevitably change even if your partner is resistant. If you continue to blame your partner for what is or isn't happening, you will stay stuck in the same old dance you feel so badly about. You don't have to know or predict the outcome. You need to take it a day at a time and focus on what you can control versus what is outside of your control.
Start with you. What do you need to work on? What are you doing to keep the dance going? Own your part.
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If you haven’t already read the book, it’s a great place to start - Relationship Reboot: Break free from the bad habits in your relationship.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 13-year-old son, 4-year-old daughter and 6-year-old toy poodle.
If you haven’t already read the book, it’s a great place to start - Relationship Reboot: Break free from the bad habits in your relationship.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 13-year-old son, 4-year-old daughter and 6-year-old toy poodle.
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