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How to deal with a bad fit

6/29/2016

“So, you are not so much interested in exploring your feelings about Joy's betrayal. Or the failure of your relationship. You are merely giving me a tour of the museum.'
'The museum? ... I don't follow you.'
'Your museum of pain. Your sanctuary of justifiable indignation.'
'I, uh...'
'We all superintend such a place, I suppose,' she said, 'although some of us are more painstaking curators than others. That is the category in which I would certainly put you, Dominick. You are a meticulous steward of the pain and injustices people have visited upon you.”
― Wally Lamb, I Know This Much Is True

When I told someone last week that she worships her suffering, goes to great lengths to prove the injustices that have been done to her, and that this contributes to the same patterns persisting in the present and into the future, she looked at me with a bemused expression that turned into self righteous indignation: Are you telling me I want to suffer, that it's my fault?

It's just one of many bizarre paradoxes of human behavior that Wally Lamb referred to as "sanctuaries of justifiable indignation" that we erect with our own hands and then visit regularly to worship at.

But why? Why on earth would we ensure that the very same things that make us feel victimized will keep happening?

Why would we ensure that the very things that have victimized us keep happening?

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Round-up

6/23/2016

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On the Love After Kids Facebook page, I have been posting current articles and posts related to parenting and relationships. Here is the first article round-up, which I'll be presenting once or twice a month.

We can no longer ignore depression in our children
Important article on depression and kids. Depression in adults has become much less taboo, in large part due to prevalence, but we have work a lot of work to do in terms of identifying and treating depression in kids. It's something we cannot afford to ignore.

It's okay to love your kid and be their friend
We have gone from autocratic parenting to helicopter parenting and now you can read more and more about the repercussions of the latter. The author of this post is a mom that advocates for the place and importance of being friends with your kids, especially as it pertains to listening to them.

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Mea Culpa

6/16/2016

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It’s a bit easier to say it in Latin. It sounds sexier in Spanish. But it doesn’t really matter when you pause and look in the mirror and say: “It’s my fault”.

It’s one thing if you drop the glass or forgot to clear your plate from the table or didn’t switch on the alarm at night.

It’s another thing if you have a site called Love After Kids, are a psychologist and couples therapist, writing and developing articles and courses on how to reconnect after having kids.

Granted, all the degrees in the world don’t matter when you’re in your living room, but there’s something about getting down from the virtual pulpit only to be reminded that you’re doing so many of the things that you are advising against. (I’ll stop talking in the second person now).

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Ghosts in the nursery (Part 2)

6/8/2016

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In my last post, I talked about how the ways that we are related to by our parents can come back to haunt us when we becomes parents, referencing a classic article called Ghosts in the Nursery by Selma Fraiberg, et al.

This week I’ll focus on applying the same concept to our adult romantic relationships.

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How to deal with a bad fit

Round-up

Mea Culpa

Ghosts in the nursery (Part 2)

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