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The Pull to Recreate Old Wounds

8/29/2016

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Co-Authored by Eric S. Jannazzo, Ph.D

In “The Tip of the Iceberg”, the difference, and the importance of recognizing the difference, between manifest and latent content was discussed as difficult moments arise in a marriage. The manifest content is the obvious issue being expressed or reacted to, and the latent content is all that lies beneath the surface in a given moment, invisibly fueling much of the manifest experience.
 
Too many marriages get stuck in unending loops of conflict because the latent content is never understood, let alone addressed. So the flame of a fight might die out, but since the combustible latent material remains untended to, it needs only an emotional spark to ignite again.
 
Of course the combustible latent material is not limited only to unaddressed issues within the marriage, for we all bring to our marriages our own individual traumas big and small, complex emotional histories that have nothing at all to do with our partners.
 
These histories, together with our natural temperaments, leave each of us with emotional and cognitive tendencies. That is, each of us tends towards certain feeling states and thought patterns, and these thoughts and feelings tend to shape our interpretations of relational moments, even – perhaps particularly – within our marriages.
 
To put it simply: much of what we tend to feel within our marriages is not about our marriage at all, but is rooted in our own emotional patterns and histories.
Much of what we tend to feel within our marriages is not about our marriage at all, but is rooted in our own emotional patterns and histories

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Round-Up

8/24/2016

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On the Love After Kids Facebook page, I have been posting current articles and posts related to parenting and relationships. Here is the third article round-up, which I'll be presenting on the last Thursday of every month.
Parenthood and Sleep: Uncovering the Elusive Concept
Here's an article by a parent and a sleep specialist with some good advice for parents...
Parenting and sleep: Uncovering the elusive concept
How helicopter parenting can cause binge drinking
How Helicopter Parenting Can Cause Binge Drinking
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Helicopter parenting is a modern phenomenon that stems in large part from reactions to old-school parenting. Here's an interesting article on the correlation between helicopter parenting and binge drinking on college campuses...

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The Tip of the Iceberg

8/17/2016

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Robin looks at Chris. He’s sitting on the couch across the room playing Clash of Clans on his phone. She has a sinking feeling in her gut, like he could be on a different planet from her. That’s how far she feels. She sneezes. He doesn’t even flinch. He laughs a few seconds later. She sighs, rolls her eyes and picks up her phone.
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She starts scrolling through her Facebook. Her best friend posted pics from her anniversary weekend in Hawaii with her husband. Their 5 year-old daughter, Ruby, screams from her room down the hall. Chris doesn’t even blink. He just keeps at it.
She has a sinking feeling in her gut, like he could be on a different planet from her. That’s how far she feels.

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The Elephant in the Room

8/10/2016

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We moved to Austin one year ago from New York City. Austin is one of the fastest growing cities in the U.S., if not the fastest growing city. The housing market is booming. The highways and the airport are expanding. New restaurants and stores are popping up like weeds and traffic is increasing.

The boom in Austin could not have been predicted ten to twenty years ago, at least that is my impression from talking to long-time residents. The growth has been exponential and the city is responding in kind to try to keep up. The situation in Austin is a relatively small-scale example of the impact of globalization and a city scrambling to keep up with its growth.
Austin is a city that is scrambling to keep up with its growth

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False Dichotomies

8/1/2016

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What is the opposite of altruism? You’re likely to respond that it’s selfishness or greed. How about love? What’s the opposite of love? Did you say hate? 

Behind most altruistic acts you can find the desire for recognition, validation and approval. Does that make it less altruistic? I don’t think so. It makes it human.

How about those that give with no self-regard, at their own expense, without awareness of their own needs? Maybe they end up feeling resentful that they are always giving and never receiving. Maybe they always give so they don’t have to face the disappointment that comes with wanting and not getting.
Behind most altruistic acts you can find the desire for recognition, validation and approval

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