I had a session with a couple today that have been working hard to address their issues amidst a slew of demands including an international move, changing jobs, graduate school, kids, and their own relationship issues.
At one point in the session I stopped them and said something along the lines of how easy it is for me to sit where I am sitting and to see things clearly, and that if I were in their shoes I'd be getting into fights with my wife too.
At one point in the session I stopped them and said something along the lines of how easy it is for me to sit where I am sitting and to see things clearly, and that if I were in their shoes I'd be getting into fights with my wife too.
Pressing Pause when things heat up
One thing that we have worked on incorporating is a system for them to press pause when either or both feel that they are ramping up too quickly during a discussion.
We agreed that when this happens that they will try to use a code word or phrase that means that they need to take a break. We also agreed that they will reconvene within 24 hours no matter what, even if they need more time to process.
This is really hard to do when one or both members of the couple are feeling triggered. In a recent instance, she needed a break and he wanted to keep going, so he was frustrated when they took a pause, but they did reconvene within the hour and worked through it.
We agreed that when this happens that they will try to use a code word or phrase that means that they need to take a break. We also agreed that they will reconvene within 24 hours no matter what, even if they need more time to process.
This is really hard to do when one or both members of the couple are feeling triggered. In a recent instance, she needed a break and he wanted to keep going, so he was frustrated when they took a pause, but they did reconvene within the hour and worked through it.
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