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 Emma at the library I woke up early this morning thinking about an upcoming trip that Deb, my wife, is taking with Emma, our three-year-old daughter, to Peru, to visit family, and for Deb's 25th high school reunion.
Emma has been to Peru a few times already and is comfortable at Deb's parents' house. They adore her.  Fear can be such a powerful motivator. Fear of rejection...Fear of embarrassment...Fear of being excluded...Fear of failure...Fear of loss...Fear of intimacy.
When fear takes over, it becomes an organizing principle. In other words, actions and reactions are chosen based on avoiding the consequences of what we are afraid of. When this happens, what we need or desire takes a back seat. Fear of rejection can crop up in most relationships over time. All it takes is for one person to express interest or desire and the other to say no just a few times before the person expressing the desire becomes wary.  We had a child therapist friend over for dinner the other night who shared an observation with us that really stuck with me.
She watched Emma, our 3 1/2-year-old daughter, as she circled her chair at the dining room table and tried a few times to climb up. She made it eventually and then struggled to get her feet out from under her so she could sit comfortably. Deb and I were distracted, talking to our friend. We didn't even notice it. So often, she said, when a parent sees their child struggling like that, they instinctively will just go and pick them up and plop them down on the chair without thinking. It wasn't our intention at that moment to let her struggle and figure out how to get onto the chair herself, so no gold star for us. It was an accident, but it is such an important lesson.  In a session the other day, a man that has been married for about a year was talking about his first serious challenge he and his wife have had as a married couple. He wants to move to a different city and travel more. She wants to settle where they are and start a family.
Amongst other things, he expressed a fear of doing what she wants now and then resenting her down the road. |
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