When I hear people say that relationships shouldn’t feel like work, I cringe. Unfortunately, this is a classic symptom of the lack of education in our society regarding relationships and communication.
Let me go ahead and debunk this myth now. Relationships don’t just take work. They take blood, sweat and tears. Yet, it is absolutely worth every bit of effort for the love and cooperation you’ll experience.
Complacency is the opiate of relationships. It is a breeding ground for assumptions, lack of communication, resentment, distance and the inevitable demise of the relationship. We go to the gym to exercise our bodies, to therapy and meditation to exercise our minds, to countless spiritual havens for the soul. What do we do to regularly work on and feed our relationships? What do you do to regularly work and feed your relationship?
This post is a springboard to help you explore different ways that you can incorporate quick and easy couples therapy exercises into your routine. Try them out and go with the ones that work for you and your partner best.
1. Daily Check-In
Make it as regular as brushing your teeth or morning Joe. Take 10 minutes every day to sit together just the two of you to check in. Ask each other how you’re doing/feeling. Ask if anything is on each other’s minds you want to share. Don’t try to solve any problems. Just listen. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support each other with whatever is going on.
2. Greet each other first
My friend and colleague, John Carr, wrote about this in his book, Becoming a Dad: The First Three Years. When you come home from work, it’s easy to beeline to the kids and to skip over greeting your partner. It’s understandable. The kids probably act a lot more excited to see you. But if you keep building on a weak foundation, the structure will collapse. Give each other a hug and a kiss first! Not only will that strengthen the foundation, but it’s a great thing to show your kids.
3. Date night
Anyone with kids knows that the days of spontaneity are over. You need to plan to do just about everything, especially if it’s without the kids. It’s easy to let time for the two of you take a back seat, but this is a mistake. Having a regular weekly time when the two of you do something together is so important. It’s like watering a plant. You need to feed the relationship.
4. Don't take anything for granted
I don’t care if it is taking out the garbage, cleaning the table, picking up the kids, or cooking a meal. When your partner does something, it should be recognized and acknowledged. Don’t assume he knows you appreciate it. We tend to adopt roles in relationships and then it becomes automatic that you do x and he does y. That makes it easy to forget to say thank you.
It’s one of the most common complaints that couples have, feeling taken for granted and unappreciated. Make it a daily exercise with each other that you’ll acknowledge the little things. This will help him to feel more seen, appreciated and valued. And don’t be surprised if you begin to feel more loved too.
It’s one of the most common complaints that couples have, feeling taken for granted and unappreciated. Make it a daily exercise with each other that you’ll acknowledge the little things. This will help him to feel more seen, appreciated and valued. And don’t be surprised if you begin to feel more loved too.
5. Role-reversal
Play a game with each other where you switch roles regarding a given topic and advocate for your partner’s position. Don’t choose something that is too incendiary. Don’t use it as an opportunity to make fun of or criticize each other. Really try to step into his shoes and imagine what he is feeling and thinking and wanting.
If you allow yourself to do this with an open heart, I guarantee it will give you insight into how he feels. It will also make him feel more seen and understood. Be playful with it, but respectful. Debrief after the exercise to talk about what you learned about each other’s point of view.
If you allow yourself to do this with an open heart, I guarantee it will give you insight into how he feels. It will also make him feel more seen and understood. Be playful with it, but respectful. Debrief after the exercise to talk about what you learned about each other’s point of view.
6. Find a common activity
It can be something as simple as a TV show, a daily walk with the dog, the crossword puzzle, an audio book, a sports team, politics, cooking, a class, etc. Explore different ways that you can do things together. You can take turns choosing something.
7. One thing you love
Every day, tell each other one thing you love and appreciate about each other.
8. Go to bed at the same time
It’s easy to get into the routine of having parallel lives in the evening, especially when the kids go to bed. Going to bed at the same time, at least some of the time, can help you to feel closer and like you’re on the same team.
9. I'm sorry
Take some time to reflect on something you have done or not done that you regret, because it was hurtful, or you let each other down. Apologize to each other for what happened if you genuinely feel remorseful. Explain why you’re sorry in terms of the impact that it had on your partner.
10. Family night
One night a week, make a “no electronics” policy. Have dinner together as a family, and then do something together as a family. It can be a board game or cards, for example, depending upon the age of the kids. This is bonding for the couple and for the family. It is showing your kids that family time is a priority.
Don’t worry about trying everything. Start with what feels the most natural to you and see what happens. Tweak it for your own style and relationship. Then try another one. Let me know if you benefit from using any of these, or if you have another tool you’ve used with your partner that has helped? I invite you to comment below. I’d love to hear from you.
David B. Younger, Ph.D is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice, and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 11 year-old son, 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old toy poodle.
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