Myth # 1: People are not capable of change.
People get very attached to their personalities and ways of being. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say: “That’s just the way I am.”
Here’s the thing, if you are convinced that that’s just the way you are, you will make it so! The way you think becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thoughts are really, really powerful. Amongst other things, what we think influences what we pay attention to. In other words, we look for things to prove what we think.
Here’s the thing, if you are convinced that that’s just the way you are, you will make it so! The way you think becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thoughts are really, really powerful. Amongst other things, what we think influences what we pay attention to. In other words, we look for things to prove what we think.
Advances in neuroscience have completely debunked the myth that change is not possible after the first years of life. The connections and pathways in our brains are always changing. We can influence those changes with our thoughts and our behavior.
Change is always possible, individually and interpersonally. Here's a video by Dr. Joe Dispenza, where he talks about how we get stuck in patterns of thinking and feeling that shape our behavior, which influences how we are responded to by others, which further establishes how we think and feel, and on and on it goes. Watch this video with the patterns in your relationship in mind.
Change is always possible, individually and interpersonally. Here's a video by Dr. Joe Dispenza, where he talks about how we get stuck in patterns of thinking and feeling that shape our behavior, which influences how we are responded to by others, which further establishes how we think and feel, and on and on it goes. Watch this video with the patterns in your relationship in mind.
Myth # 2: Conflict is bad and should be avoided.
Another statement that I have heard many times is people saying with pride that: "My partner and I never argue."
That’s a huge red flag in my book. How could you live together, spend so much time together, raise kids together and never fight?
That’s a huge red flag in my book. How could you live together, spend so much time together, raise kids together and never fight?
We look for people that complement us. After all, it’d be pretty boring to be with someone exactly the same. These differences make us whole, but they can also drive us absolutely crazy.
That said, there are ways to fight that can be damaging and there are ways to fight that can bring you closer together. Watch this short video on good versus bad fighting in relationships to learn more.
That said, there are ways to fight that can be damaging and there are ways to fight that can bring you closer together. Watch this short video on good versus bad fighting in relationships to learn more.
Myth # 3: Tending to your relationship is not as important as tending to your kids.
One of the most common mistakes parents make is putting their relationships on the back- burner to focus exclusively on their kids. This happens in part because time becomes such a commodity.
Kids are demanding. They have lots of needs, which can feel unrelenting. You combine that with work, lack of sleep and financial pressure, and it just becomes automatic that your relationship with your partner gets sacrificed.
Kids are demanding. They have lots of needs, which can feel unrelenting. You combine that with work, lack of sleep and financial pressure, and it just becomes automatic that your relationship with your partner gets sacrificed.
I’ve heard many people say that they feel it’s selfish to focus on themselves, or to put their relationships first. This is understandable, but short-sighted. The more you ignore your relationship, the more vulnerable it becomes.
Relationships are living entities that need to be tended to regularly. Not doing so will directly impact the wellbeing of your children. So if your concerned about your children’s wellbeing above all else, you need to prioritize your relationship with your partner.
Read the following two articles on the impact that having kids has on marriages and relationships:
Decades of Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids
Why Do So Many Couples Break Up After Having a Baby
Relationships are living entities that need to be tended to regularly. Not doing so will directly impact the wellbeing of your children. So if your concerned about your children’s wellbeing above all else, you need to prioritize your relationship with your partner.
Read the following two articles on the impact that having kids has on marriages and relationships:
Decades of Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids
Why Do So Many Couples Break Up After Having a Baby
Myth # 4: Your Kids Are Not Affected By Your Relationship
From the moment they are born, children are like sponges. In the beginning, they don’t understand what you’re saying. But you don't have to understand the words to feel the effect of yelling and screaming, and they do pick up on stress.
If you’re stressed, anxious, depressed, or angry, it will get communicated to your kids. It’s going to happen at times. We’re human. But to pretend that they are too young to understand or to be impacted by your behavior is just wrong.
If you’re stressed, anxious, depressed, or angry, it will get communicated to your kids. It’s going to happen at times. We’re human. But to pretend that they are too young to understand or to be impacted by your behavior is just wrong.
As parents, we need to take responsibility for our behavior. If you are yelling and screaming and throwing things at each other in front of your child, know that it is having an impact.
Another way our we impact our kids is via our projections and expectations. It's common for people who have not worked through and processed their own issues to inflict them onto their children.
One of the biggest reasons that I created Love After Kids is because I know that helping people’s relationships will be helping their children as well. Watch this video about how to let go of parenting expectations.
Another way our we impact our kids is via our projections and expectations. It's common for people who have not worked through and processed their own issues to inflict them onto their children.
One of the biggest reasons that I created Love After Kids is because I know that helping people’s relationships will be helping their children as well. Watch this video about how to let go of parenting expectations.
Myth # 5: You can assume that you know what your partner thinks, feels and needs
To assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME. Remember that one?
I don’t care how much you think you know about your partner.
I don’t care how familiar his behavior is, or her facial expressions, or the things he says, or her routines.
I don’t care how much you think you know about your partner.
I don’t care how familiar his behavior is, or her facial expressions, or the things he says, or her routines.
You do not and cannot know all that’s going on if you’re not talking about it, asking about it, interested and listening.
The more you assume, the further and further you get from each other, from really knowing each other.
Assuming is the death of relationships. Read the following article from Love After Kids on the Huffington Post loaded with tips and advice called How to Save a Relationship.
The more you assume, the further and further you get from each other, from really knowing each other.
Assuming is the death of relationships. Read the following article from Love After Kids on the Huffington Post loaded with tips and advice called How to Save a Relationship.
Myth # 6: Your Partner Should be Able to Read Your Mind
We’re not mind readers. Most of us anyway. Just as you cannot be assuming you know how your partner feels, what he’s thinking and what he needs, you cannot expect he should know what you’re thinking, feeling and what you need.
You’ve got to spell it out. Spell it all out. Don’t assume he knows what you want. Tell him.
Don’t assume she knows your feelings are hurt. Tell her.
Take the mystery out of communication. Make a pact with each other.
You’ve got to spell it out. Spell it all out. Don’t assume he knows what you want. Tell him.
Don’t assume she knows your feelings are hurt. Tell her.
Take the mystery out of communication. Make a pact with each other.
Mystery is good in some areas, but not here.
Don’t assume he knows you appreciate that he cooked dinner. Thank him.
Expressing gratitude for all the little things is so important.
Who doesn’t want to feel appreciated, recognized and valued?
Here's an article on the importance of gratitude in relationships called:
Encouraging Your Parenting Partner - Praise and Thanks Go a Long Way.
Don’t assume he knows you appreciate that he cooked dinner. Thank him.
Expressing gratitude for all the little things is so important.
Who doesn’t want to feel appreciated, recognized and valued?
Here's an article on the importance of gratitude in relationships called:
Encouraging Your Parenting Partner - Praise and Thanks Go a Long Way.
Myth # 7: Relationships Should Come Easy and Should Not Require Work
Relationships require a tremendous amount of work to maintain and to thrive. They need to be tended to regularly.
There’s no room for complacency in relationships.
There’s no room for complacency in relationships.
Just because you’re married and have kids, doesn’t mean you don’t have to work on your relationship. Watch this short video by Dr. Sue Johnson on negative communication patterns couples have to work through.
David B. Younger, Ph.D is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice, and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 11 year-old son, 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old toy poodle.
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