I decided to stay because I traveled to New York in October and in November. Traveling is tiring and getting more challenging for me physically. I also wanted to get work done on the first course I am creating for Love After Kids, which I’m excited about. I’ll get to have some peace and quiet, which is a mixed blessing, as well as plenty of QT with Phinny.
It’s always strange to walk by the kids’ rooms when they are away. I imagine them there doing what they are usually doing. Having a few weeks without them challenges me to be by myself and with myself in a different way. It challenges me to sit with the loneliness and the existential web that shows itself.
It’s always there, the existential web. It’s just usually covered up by the hustle and bustle of family life with young kids. When I’m alone, it puts me more in touch with how tenuous it all it is, with how much of my happiness and wellbeing is tied up with them.
I have been joking with my son, Eric, that he is going to stay here with me. In part, I would love for him to be here. He asked me last night if I really want him to stay. I told him that I did, because I love to spend time with him, but that it’s not what I want for him. He asked me if I could decide, would I have him stay or go and I said I would have him go, because one thing that is always clear for me as his dad is that I want what’s best for him. If he didn’t want to go, that’d be a different story.
So I’ll be continuing to prepare myself in the coming days to embrace the separation and the mixed feelings that will inevitably arise. I’ve done it before and will do it again. The course I am working on is about recognizing, understanding and changing entrenched habits and patterns. This will be an opportunity for me to work on that myself.