When we are hungry and get fed, we feel satisfied and taken care of and have the experience of a good fit between us and our environment. In fact, when we are little babies, there is no distinguishing for the baby between itself and the environment.
This interplay of needs, expressions and reactions contribute to the first early emotions that we develop, mostly bodily sensations that are related to the hunger, being fed, sleepiness, pain, etc.
This process becomes more and more complex with time, development and experiences. We develop a cache of interpretations based on prior experiences that we project onto the world. We develop mastery via repetition.
This feedback loop from the environment leading to emotions leading to thoughts and feelings leading to attitudes leading to beliefs leading to states of mind, the accumulation of which we refer to as our personalities, is a finely honed machine by the time we are adults and enter into romantic relationships.
Can you see now how all of this would apply to our romantic relationships?
If we bring our automatic ways of being, our lenses, with us into our relationships, which we inevitably do, then our relationships and our partners become part of it all.
So what we can do about it?
I just got back from a weekend workshop with Dr. Joe Dispenza whose latest book is called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I went there to work on myself, but also because the Relationship Toolkit I’m about to release is about breaking habits in relationships.
One of the things that Dr. Joe emphasizes is that the intentions that you set to create change have to be greater in energy than your old ways of being. That’s an epic challenge if you have been doing the same things over and over again for years, which is why there is no room for complacency.
You must commit to not letting a single automatic thought, feeling, or reaction go by unless you have vetted it first.
You must commit to facing the unknown, to asking yourself what you want from your life and relationship now and into the future.
It will take work, but I cannot think of anything that is more worth your energy and effort than this.
Are you ready?