Robin looks at Chris. He’s sitting on the couch across the room playing Clash of Clans on his phone. She has a sinking feeling in her gut, like he could be on a different planet from her. That’s how far she feels. She sneezes. He doesn’t even flinch. He laughs a few seconds later. She sighs, rolls her eyes and picks up her phone.
She starts scrolling through her Facebook. Her best friend posted pics from her anniversary weekend in Hawaii with her husband. Their 5 year-old daughter, Ruby, screams from her room down the hall. Chris doesn’t even blink. He just keeps at it.
She starts scrolling through her Facebook. Her best friend posted pics from her anniversary weekend in Hawaii with her husband. Their 5 year-old daughter, Ruby, screams from her room down the hall. Chris doesn’t even blink. He just keeps at it.
“I’ll get it,” she says sarcastically, puts the phone down and walks away. He still doesn’t respond. Ruby screams again. There’s a crash and Robin runs to her room.
It’s nothing. She’s just having a tantrum because her lego castle broke. Robin consoles her and heads back into the living room. Chris is still on his phone.
“Don’t worry. She’s fine,” she says sarcastically. He doesn’t respond. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Finally, he looks up at her with a look that feels to her like a cocktail of anger, annoyance and indifference. “Sorry to interrupt,” she says.
“Fuck you,” he says.
“Really? That’s all you have to say? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“You, if you really wanna know. You’re what’s wrong,” he says.
“And how’s that, huh?”
“Everything that comes out of your mouth is either full of sarcasm, criticism, or disappointment. That’s how...I give up. What’s the point? If no matter what I say or do is not good enough, why do anything at all?” Chris asks.
It’s nothing. She’s just having a tantrum because her lego castle broke. Robin consoles her and heads back into the living room. Chris is still on his phone.
“Don’t worry. She’s fine,” she says sarcastically. He doesn’t respond. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Finally, he looks up at her with a look that feels to her like a cocktail of anger, annoyance and indifference. “Sorry to interrupt,” she says.
“Fuck you,” he says.
“Really? That’s all you have to say? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“You, if you really wanna know. You’re what’s wrong,” he says.
“And how’s that, huh?”
“Everything that comes out of your mouth is either full of sarcasm, criticism, or disappointment. That’s how...I give up. What’s the point? If no matter what I say or do is not good enough, why do anything at all?” Chris asks.
“Ruby and Fred to start. Not to mention your marriage, if that’s what you call it.”
“You see. There you again...They don’t want anything to do with me. They just want you. You trained them well,” he says.
“Oh please. You’re such a victim. Look in the fucking mirror. At least own some of it. Do you not think that you have anything to do with it? And the kids?”
“Like I said, nothing I do is good enough,” he says.
It’s common for couples to get triggered and caught up in the manifest content like Robin and Chris here. The latent content, which is 90% of the iceberg, remains underwater, unseen and unexplored.
“You see. There you again...They don’t want anything to do with me. They just want you. You trained them well,” he says.
“Oh please. You’re such a victim. Look in the fucking mirror. At least own some of it. Do you not think that you have anything to do with it? And the kids?”
“Like I said, nothing I do is good enough,” he says.
It’s common for couples to get triggered and caught up in the manifest content like Robin and Chris here. The latent content, which is 90% of the iceberg, remains underwater, unseen and unexplored.
To be clear, manifest content is what is on the surface. It’s what is expressed and seen. Latent content, on the other hand, is what is beneath the surface.
The manifest content of this argument for Chris is that Robin is always criticizing, sarcastic and that nothing is good enough. Also, it's that she has trained the kids to ignore him and that he has given up, because there is no point in trying.
The manifest content for Robin is that she feels far from Chris and is fed up of him always being on his phone and ignoring her and the kids.
Both have a victim stance in the argument. Both feel wronged by the other and take aggressive and defensive postures. The aggression and defensiveness keep them stuck in the manifest content and make it more and more unsafe to explore the latent content.
The manifest content of this argument for Chris is that Robin is always criticizing, sarcastic and that nothing is good enough. Also, it's that she has trained the kids to ignore him and that he has given up, because there is no point in trying.
The manifest content for Robin is that she feels far from Chris and is fed up of him always being on his phone and ignoring her and the kids.
Both have a victim stance in the argument. Both feel wronged by the other and take aggressive and defensive postures. The aggression and defensiveness keep them stuck in the manifest content and make it more and more unsafe to explore the latent content.
The latent content is the heart of the matter. The latent content comprises the material that has led to the defensiveness. If we peel back a layer, first from Chris, we will find out that he feels rejected, left out, and defective. He feels that Robin is disgusted with him. He feels like a failure as a husband and father.
The tricky thing is that he is not admitting to, or, aware of, a good portion of the latent content. It would be painful and exposing and unsafe to do so, so he withdraws and shuts down instead.
Robin feels abandoned, unloved, unattractive and alone. These are all deeply familiar feelings for her. Her parents got divorced when she was Ruby’s age. Her dad took off and never came back.
If Robin were to connect to that pain on top of the pain she is experiencing in her relationship with Chris, it would make her extremely vulnerable and raw. She copes by needling and insulting Chris.
Chris’s withdrawing behavior and Robin’s needling behavior trigger old wounds and insecurities for both of them. This fight is a typical fight where they stay in their respective trenches, lobbing grenades at each other, making it feel more and more perilous to step out with a white flag.
My job as a therapist with couples is to help them to see and understand the manifest content, its function and impact, and to create a safe enough space for them to climb out of their trenches. Lobbing a grenade at someone when you can see their face is a lot different.
When we stay stuck in the manifest content, we do not see the other. We only see our own pain and suffering and act desperately to protect against it like cornered prey.
The tricky thing is that he is not admitting to, or, aware of, a good portion of the latent content. It would be painful and exposing and unsafe to do so, so he withdraws and shuts down instead.
Robin feels abandoned, unloved, unattractive and alone. These are all deeply familiar feelings for her. Her parents got divorced when she was Ruby’s age. Her dad took off and never came back.
If Robin were to connect to that pain on top of the pain she is experiencing in her relationship with Chris, it would make her extremely vulnerable and raw. She copes by needling and insulting Chris.
Chris’s withdrawing behavior and Robin’s needling behavior trigger old wounds and insecurities for both of them. This fight is a typical fight where they stay in their respective trenches, lobbing grenades at each other, making it feel more and more perilous to step out with a white flag.
My job as a therapist with couples is to help them to see and understand the manifest content, its function and impact, and to create a safe enough space for them to climb out of their trenches. Lobbing a grenade at someone when you can see their face is a lot different.
When we stay stuck in the manifest content, we do not see the other. We only see our own pain and suffering and act desperately to protect against it like cornered prey.
As much as we gain when we have kids, we lose parts of ourselves and parts of our relationships with our partners. There’s no time or space to grieve and we are often left to pick up the pieces on our own years down the road.
I created Love After Kids to help to build awareness of this universal dynamic; to help to normalize and understand the complexities and, in turn, combat the shame and make space for healing and reconnection.
I created Love After Kids to help to build awareness of this universal dynamic; to help to normalize and understand the complexities and, in turn, combat the shame and make space for healing and reconnection.
David B. Younger, Ph.D is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice, and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 11 year-old son, 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old toy poodle.
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