Tips on fighting well with your partner

Many people think conflict is bad and something to avoid, especially in their romantic relationships. Avoiding conflict often means pushing away feelings and reactions. That can lead to feeling disconnected from one’s own feelings and needs, distance from one’s partner, resentment, loneliness and deprivation.

Conflict can come in many shapes and sizes. A good fight can be painful in the moment, but it can also bring people closer.

First we’ll review the things to try to avoid. Most are pretty obvious, but worth mentioning:

• Physical violence
• Threats
• Bullying
• Insulting
• Intimidating
• Condescending
• Sarcasm
• Focusing exclusively on what your partner is doing wrong versus how you’re feeling
• Generalizing statements like: “You always do this”, versus focusing on the incident at hand.
• Fighting in front of the kids

Now we’ll go over how conflict can be positive:

• Expressing your feelings is better than keeping them inside.
• Fighting means you’re engaging with each other.
• Expressing your feelings and exposing yourself is part of being vulnerable with your partner.
• The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference, or not caring.
• Fighting means you’re not avoiding issues and sweeping things under the rug. Remember that under the rug doesn’t mean it disappeared.
• Sweeping under the rug leads to distance and resentment over time because issues don’t get dealt with.

In a good fight, it’s important that both people can own what they’re bringing to the table.

It’s hard to hear each other when the adrenaline is high and you’re both in fight/flight mode. That’s when the defenses are up. At some point though, when things calm down, you need to make room for both of your experiences.

Then you can try to work together to find compromises and solutions. This is another aspect of a good fight that can bring you closer together.

In the midst of a fight, when you’re both feeling triggered and wounded and angry, you’re going to say and do things that are hurtful. That’s ok. You’re human. This is not about being a perfect fighter. It’s about being good enough.

​That’s why it’s so important to apologize for hurting each other, whether it was intentional or not. It needs to be authentic. Words aren’t enough.

Not a whole lot can happen when the guns are blazing. It’s ok to let the dust settle a bit. You know the dust is settling when you start to feel calmer, your heart stops racing, you start to feel bad for some of the things you said and did.

It’s crucial not to leave a fight open-ended. That doesn’t mean you have to finish on the same page or in total agreement. But you should try to establish enough common ground and compromise and acknowledge and validate each other even if you don’t see eye to eye, so that you don’t walk away feeling resentful.

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​David B. Younger, Ph.D is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice, and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 11 year-old son, 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old toy poodle.