Couples’ Sleeping Habits and Their Effect on the Relationship

This guest blog post is courtesy of Jamy Russell, who started Sleep Investor to teach people simple, yet effective ways to improve sleep. Falling asleep doesn’t have to be as difficult as many people make it out to be, and often there are many easy wins that people overlook in their quest for better sleep.

Many relationships fail because of small things. We’ve all heard those ridiculous stories about couples fighting over the toothpaste cap. All laughing aside, the little things do matter. And where is this better noticed than at night in the bedroom? Sleeping is an intimate thing you do, and if you don’t get enough (quality) sleep for whatever reason, your entire life is negatively affected.

So it’s only logical that you want to optimize your time in bed. Now, what happens if your partner is making it difficult to sleep? The last thing you want is to lay awake in bed at night, harboring angry feelings towards your partner.

What are some habits that could potentially break the relationship?

#1 going to bed at different times

It’s a good idea to go the bed at the same time if possible. Otherwise you risk waking up each other. When this happens once a while, it’s fine. But if you go to bed at a different time than your partner every night, then you don’t want to disturb him or her. On the other side of the coin, when you just fell asleep, you also don’t want to be woken up.

Try to synchronize your sleep schedules. If your partner needs to wake up at 7, because it’s time for work, and you wake up at 8 and work from home – it might be better to change your bedtime so that you wake up at 7 as well.
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Now, in some cases this doesn’t work. If you’re working the night shift, then it’s not recommended to do this. But I’m mainly talking if the differences are small. Going to bed at different times can be the beginning of you starting to drift apart from each other. 

#2 insomnia, snoring, tossing and turning

Sleeping problems affect both of you. If you suffer from insomnia, then your partner will pick up on this at a certain point. The same goes for snoring, tossing and turning. Some of these will affect you differently than others, but the last thing you want is your partner also not being able to sleep.

​In this case, it’s important to work on the problem. Solutions are:

• Insomnia: decreasing stress, following a healthy diet, getting sun throughout the day, limiting screens at night and/or taking melatonin.
• Snoring: cutting down on drinking, quitting smoking, following a healthy diet, changing sleeping positions.
• Tossing and turning: decreasing stress, finding the right sleeping position for you or maybe getting a new more comfortable mattress.

#3 different wants and needs in the bedroom

You might prefer to sleep with a little bit of light coming in from the street. While your partner prefers the bedroom to be pitch dark. The same thing can happen for how soft/firm you want your mattress to be. Or how heavy the blanket should be.

In this case it’s important to discuss well with each other what is important to you. If you’re fine with some light, but also sleep well when it’s pitch dark – but your partner literally can’t sleep when there’s even one little ray of light coming in, then it’s better to go with black out curtains.

Discuss with each other what your wants and needs are. Compromise on things that are ‘wants’ for you and ‘needs’ for your partner. If you both do this, you both will sleep better.

#4 sex

Sex is necessary to keep the relationship healthy. However, when it comes to sleep there’s an interesting polarity though:

• Men tend to fall asleep after sex
• Women have a harder time falling asleep after it because they’re still aroused

This topic likely needs some discussion between you two as well. Often the best combination is a mix. For men, if you’re having sex most days at night, consider morning sex or earlier at night (not right before bed), to help your girlfriend or wife sleep better.
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Conversely for women: if you know that your man has trouble sleeping, having regular sex before bed can help him. Or if he’s having an important meeting next day and feels a bit anxious, you know the solution.
 
In the end, it’s important that you’re both aware of how a good night’s sleep affects you – and that you both work on getting enough sleep and overcoming these common obstacles that many couples experience at night.

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If you haven’t already read the book, it’s a great place to start - Relationship Reboot: Break free from the bad habits in your relationship.
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David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 14-year-old son, 4-year-old daughter and 6-year-old toy poodle.