Please enjoy the following guest post about helping kids adapt and thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
| Vivian Mathews is a child psychologist and a mother of two. Besides helping children cope with everyday life, she also enjoys helping parents by writing about how to deal with children and their problems. In her free time, she likes helping out at the local animal shelter and cooking Italian dishes. |  |
Separation and divorce are hard, especially on children. They don't understand why one parent is leaving, and they often feel it's their fault. Unfortunately, this feeling of guilt and abandonment can easily trigger anxiety and depression in children. All these negative feelings can lead to revolt and anger. This is the reason why children have a hard time adjusting to moving between two houses. They often feel as if they don't belong in one of them. That's why we need to make them feel loved and welcome in both homes. So, here is an ultimate guide on helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, and let's begin!
Divorce is hard on everyone in the family, especially our children. That's why we have to help them thrive as much as possible.
Make both houses feel like home and not a place to visit
Children can generally react well to change as they are pretty adaptable. However, in the case of separation or divorce, the change is not something they accept easily. And sometimes they don't want to. The question is: How can you make both houses feel like home?
In the beginning, their current home will feel strange without one parent. Additionally, your children will feel like they are visiting every time you drop them off at the other house. Well, you'll want to change this as soon as possible. The most important thing is for them to feel equally comfortable and 'at home' in both houses.
You can do this by duplicating some essential items in their new home. You don't want to make them pack every time they're staying with the other parent. We only pack when we're staying somewhere as guests, right? Well, your children can't feel like guests in the other house. So, duplicate some stuff such as pajamas, clothes, shoes, toiletries, toys, books, school supplies, etc.
If they have their favorite toy, let them bring it from home to home. Another great idea is to go to the toy store with them and let them choose one thing that can be their special item for the new house. It's these little things that are helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
In the beginning, their current home will feel strange without one parent. Additionally, your children will feel like they are visiting every time you drop them off at the other house. Well, you'll want to change this as soon as possible. The most important thing is for them to feel equally comfortable and 'at home' in both houses.
You can do this by duplicating some essential items in their new home. You don't want to make them pack every time they're staying with the other parent. We only pack when we're staying somewhere as guests, right? Well, your children can't feel like guests in the other house. So, duplicate some stuff such as pajamas, clothes, shoes, toiletries, toys, books, school supplies, etc.
If they have their favorite toy, let them bring it from home to home. Another great idea is to go to the toy store with them and let them choose one thing that can be their special item for the new house. It's these little things that are helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
Giving them their own space equals helping children thrive in two homes
To make this new house feel like home, you'll have to give your children their own space. If possible, let them choose their room. If not, involve them in the decoration process. Let them pick the color of the walls, bedsheets, and posters they will hang. Having family pictures on the bedside table will make a huge difference, so surprise them with the framed photo.
Involving them in the process will make them feel not only welcome but also like they belong. They won't feel like strangers in the new home, and that's exactly what will help them thrive.
Of course, if there aren't enough bedrooms in the other house, you can always let them choose the part of the house and turn it into a fun and safe place together. Put their toys, build a fort, install a gaming corner, etc.
If one parent decided to rent a home after divorce instead of buying, consult with the landlord about what changes you can make. But remember, always mention you have children before renting, so you can make an informed decision about the whole house situation that will suit your children as well.
Involving them in the process will make them feel not only welcome but also like they belong. They won't feel like strangers in the new home, and that's exactly what will help them thrive.
Of course, if there aren't enough bedrooms in the other house, you can always let them choose the part of the house and turn it into a fun and safe place together. Put their toys, build a fort, install a gaming corner, etc.
If one parent decided to rent a home after divorce instead of buying, consult with the landlord about what changes you can make. But remember, always mention you have children before renting, so you can make an informed decision about the whole house situation that will suit your children as well.
Establish routines in both homes
It is a known fact that children thrive on routine. It represents the stability they need in life. So, to minimize the trauma and anxiety after a divorce, get back to the established pattern they're used to. When it comes to the other, new home, make sure your children have a routine there as well. The routines don't have to be the same. It's only important to have it in both places.
This implies having scheduled bed, play, and homework time. It would be excellent to have lunch every day at the same time. Having a meal together and discussing your day can play a significant role in helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
Even though this whole situation is a big change for your children, maintaining the routine will create the feeling of everything getting back to 'normal'. And this is exactly what your children need.
This implies having scheduled bed, play, and homework time. It would be excellent to have lunch every day at the same time. Having a meal together and discussing your day can play a significant role in helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
Even though this whole situation is a big change for your children, maintaining the routine will create the feeling of everything getting back to 'normal'. And this is exactly what your children need.
In order to help your child thrive in two homes after separation, let them decorate their room.
Don't compete and make your children spy on another parent
Whatever problems you and your ex-partner have, they must be put aside when it comes to your children and co-parenting. They can't stress about your problems nor feel like they are responsible for them. It's hard, yes. However, you need to find a way to communicate through co-parenting.
Never compete with your ex-partner! Don't be jealous if your children have something at the other home that they don't have at yours. Be happy for them for having fun with the other parent. Them feeling happy and comfortable is the most important thing.
Additionally, don't by any chance ask your children to spy on the other parent for you. This will create discomfort and negative energy in both homes. Your children won't feel happy doing that, and neither will you at the end.
Instead, show them you're happy for them. Ask them about what they did with the other parent, even suggest some fun activity they can do the next time. This will create a happier environment in both homes.
Never compete with your ex-partner! Don't be jealous if your children have something at the other home that they don't have at yours. Be happy for them for having fun with the other parent. Them feeling happy and comfortable is the most important thing.
Additionally, don't by any chance ask your children to spy on the other parent for you. This will create discomfort and negative energy in both homes. Your children won't feel happy doing that, and neither will you at the end.
Instead, show them you're happy for them. Ask them about what they did with the other parent, even suggest some fun activity they can do the next time. This will create a happier environment in both homes.
Stay positive and be there for your children
Even though this isn't an easy period, you have to power through, for both you and your children. And since they usually don't understand why all this is happening, you have to sit them down and explain the situation as simply as possible. In cases like this one, healthy communication is vital. One thing they have to know is it's not their fault, and they are as loved as ever. Reassure them as many times as possible.
Make your children loved and comfortable in both homes all the time.
Don't forget to let them express their feelings, and even let them be angry. They need to have their reaction before they fully understand what's going on. After all, they are children. You have to be patient. Eventually, they will realize you're there for them no matter what, which is the most important thing when helping children thrive in two homes after separation or divorce.
If you haven’t already read the book, it’s a great place to start - Relationship Reboot: Break free from the bad habits in your relationship.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 16-year-old son, 7-year-old daughter and 9-year-old toy poodle.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 16-year-old son, 7-year-old daughter and 9-year-old toy poodle.
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