Please enjoy the following guest post with advice on how to help your kids deal with big life changes.
| Hanna Graham is a child psychologist specializing in working with troubled youth and adolescents. Her primary focus is dealing with problematic behaviors that are common in these age groups. In her free time, Hanna enjoys reading crime novels and catching up with her family and friends. |  |
Even though big (and small) life changes are inevitable, this doesn't make them easier for our children to manage. Children thrive on structure and stability. Therefore, changes like a move because of a better job, new school, divorce, or welcoming a new baby to the family are scary. However, with time, everything becomes more comfortable, manageable, and a little less scary. It's a well-known fact that kids need extra support during transition times. So, we created a list of strategies to help kids cope with big life changes. We hope this article helps you become more aware of what to do and how to ease the transition to your kiddoes.
Strategies to help kids cope with big life changes
The world we live in is constantly changing, making rushed transitions a part of everyday life. However, even though some of the changes might be unexpected, they are usually somewhat predictable or planned for us adults. To our kids, on the other hand, who don't possess the ability for abstract thinking, change might mean the literal end of the world.
For instance, if your family is facing a move, it would be wise to mentally prepare in advance and ensure the relocation is done the right way. By mentally preparing, we mean considering your kids' emotions since a hectic process like moving homes can make them feel stressed, anxious, and left out. On the other hand, by 'doing it the right way,' we mean following some of our strategies to help your child feel heard and safe. So, it's our job to ensure they receive the emotional support they need during these times. Let's see how you can assist them in managing emotions through significant life transitions.
For instance, if your family is facing a move, it would be wise to mentally prepare in advance and ensure the relocation is done the right way. By mentally preparing, we mean considering your kids' emotions since a hectic process like moving homes can make them feel stressed, anxious, and left out. On the other hand, by 'doing it the right way,' we mean following some of our strategies to help your child feel heard and safe. So, it's our job to ensure they receive the emotional support they need during these times. Let's see how you can assist them in managing emotions through significant life transitions.
- Allow them time to prepare
- Listen to their worries and concerns
- Try keeping up with your routines
- Provide time for connection and play
- Provide them a sense of agency
Time
When preparation is an option, it's always wise to choose to give your kid plenty of warnings that a significant change is about to happen. Doing this will allow them time to process the fact and start accepting the change.
On-time preparation will help kids cope with big life changes.
Furthermore, you will allow space and time for them to familiarize themselves with the unknown. So, if you are moving, take your child to the new school and your new house. Additionally, you can meet the teacher in advance, who can give your kid a school tour, and talk about a typical school day. This way, you will help your child visualize where they'll live and what school days will look like.
Being open with your children and preparing them for the transition is vital in helping them develop healthy coping mechanisms. Another helpful thing that involves talking and raising questions on the topic is reading books. Numerous books help kids cope with big life changes. For example, A kiss goodbye by Audrey Penn for those who are moving, One special day by Lola M. Schaefer for bringing home a new sibling, and Two Homes by Claire Masurel for those going through a divorce.
Being open with your children and preparing them for the transition is vital in helping them develop healthy coping mechanisms. Another helpful thing that involves talking and raising questions on the topic is reading books. Numerous books help kids cope with big life changes. For example, A kiss goodbye by Audrey Penn for those who are moving, One special day by Lola M. Schaefer for bringing home a new sibling, and Two Homes by Claire Masurel for those going through a divorce.
Reading books to your child can help them that they are not the only ones experiencing such a significant change.
Listen
When your child is upset, it would be best to stop what you're doing and be present and listen to them. Make eye contact, acknowledge their feelings, and talk about your situation's highs and lows.
Empathy and understanding are necessary in most cases. There's no need for shielding and protecting your kids from their emotions. That's a common mistake parents make. However, it does nothing in the long run. On the other hand, coaching your children through their feelings is an essential and learning experience.
Empathy and understanding are necessary in most cases. There's no need for shielding and protecting your kids from their emotions. That's a common mistake parents make. However, it does nothing in the long run. On the other hand, coaching your children through their feelings is an essential and learning experience.
Labeling a particular emotion makes it easier to manage.
For example, you can say something like this: I hear that you are sad. It's okay to be sad. Mommy is sometimes sad too. When I feel that way, deep breaths help. Do you want to take deep breaths together? We can handle this.
When and if possible, you can give your kid strategies to handle a situation they find challenging. For instance, if the change you face is divorce and your kid is worried about not seeing the other parent, you can get them a calendar and stickers on those days.
When and if possible, you can give your kid strategies to handle a situation they find challenging. For instance, if the change you face is divorce and your kid is worried about not seeing the other parent, you can get them a calendar and stickers on those days.
Keep your routines the same
When going through a significant life change, enable your child as much stability and consistency as possible. Therefore, it would be best not to add any new routines during the sensitive start of the transition. Instead, by sticking to your regular schedule, you will prevent upsetting your child further.
Bedtime routine and mealtimes are the most common family routines you should do your best to stick to. Following a familiar structure will give them a sense of safety.
For example, if you are moving homes, try to set up the room the way it was in your previous home. Give your child the same toys to play with and books to read as they used back in the old house.
Also, don't forget about their overall health. Kids who get enough sleep and eat a nutritious diet are, in general, healthier and happier.
Bedtime routine and mealtimes are the most common family routines you should do your best to stick to. Following a familiar structure will give them a sense of safety.
For example, if you are moving homes, try to set up the room the way it was in your previous home. Give your child the same toys to play with and books to read as they used back in the old house.
Also, don't forget about their overall health. Kids who get enough sleep and eat a nutritious diet are, in general, healthier and happier.
Provide time for connection
One more thing that shouldn't change is the connection between you and your child. Every child should have a secure connection with their parents. Knowing that no matter what changes, you will always be there is of precious value for them.
Even though you are also coping with change, try to set aside at least 10 minutes daily and give your child your undivided attention. Of course, they can choose whatever they want to do. For example, they might want to cuddle and watch a movie, or they might want you to play with them. Either way, remember to be affectionate and present.
Even though you are also coping with change, try to set aside at least 10 minutes daily and give your child your undivided attention. Of course, they can choose whatever they want to do. For example, they might want to cuddle and watch a movie, or they might want you to play with them. Either way, remember to be affectionate and present.
An undivided parent-child playtime can reassure your child that your love and care remain consistent no matter what.
Allow them to choose
Significant life changes can make us feel like we have no control over our lives. Unfortunately, this is especially true for children's inner worlds. Luckily, there are ways you can help them feel more in control.
Firstly, you can give them some sense of agency by offering them choices. For example, What do you want to eat the first night at the new house?; What colors do you want to paint your room?; etc.
Secondly, the same applies when you ask your child for help. Children usually love to contribute, which makes them feel helpful and responsible. For instance, if you have a new baby, you can ask your older child to help you sing a lullaby or bring the baby's blanket. If you are facing a relocation, you can ask your child to help you pack their toys.
Firstly, you can give them some sense of agency by offering them choices. For example, What do you want to eat the first night at the new house?; What colors do you want to paint your room?; etc.
Secondly, the same applies when you ask your child for help. Children usually love to contribute, which makes them feel helpful and responsible. For instance, if you have a new baby, you can ask your older child to help you sing a lullaby or bring the baby's blanket. If you are facing a relocation, you can ask your child to help you pack their toys.
Offering choices gives children a sense of agency.
Conclusion
Whether you are going through a divorce or moving schools, there's one thing necessary to remember: our children reflect our attitudes and our ability to cope with transitions. That's why you want to make sure you set an example if you're going to help kids cope with big life changes. It might feel scary initially, but be sure to follow our strategies to adjust to this change successfully.
If you haven’t already read the book, it’s a great place to start - Relationship Reboot: Break free from the bad habits in your relationship.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 17-year-old son, 7-year-old daughter and 9-year-old toy poodle.
David B. Younger, Ph.D. is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 17-year-old son, 7-year-old daughter and 9-year-old toy poodle.
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