Blog page

Dealing With Loss: Trying To Make Friends With Change

4/19/2018

I watched a short documentary on Netflix a few days ago about Ram Dass called Going Home. He calls suffering the “sandpaper from the spiritual point of view that is awakening people” and encourages people to make friends with change.

I am trying to make friends with change. It has been two months since my mother died. There’s a hole in my heart that I cannot fill with tears, religion, or tequila. Her death has introduced me to grief the likes of which I have never experienced. Her absence follows me like a tail. Life just feels different now. No matter what I do, I cannot go back to the way things were.

The Process Of Change

4/12/2018

The process of change

The process of change fascinates me. A big part of my job as a therapist, after all, is to help people to change and grow. What I am most obsessed with these days, as regular readers of my blog know, is the idea that change is an inside-out process. The environment in which we live can be so overwhelming that it is easy to forget this. We end up scurrying here and there in reaction to different demands that intention and self-determination get sacrificed.

Changing negative beliefs: How to stop letting your past determine your future

4/6/2018

Every experience we have has a narrative attached to it, often with negative beliefs. We accumulate experiences on a daily basis. We, in turn, accumulate reactions to our experiences. Our reactions can be sub-divided into thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs.

Keep your family safe with these kitchen safety tips

3/26/2018

The following is a guest post from Daniel Sherwin. Daniel is a single dad to a daughter (9) and son (6). His site, DadSolo.com, provides resources and information for single dads. This post is about staying safe in the kitchen with your kids.

The kitchen is the heart of most homes. There's something about the act of preparing food that stirs the human spirit, calling us to gather together for a good meal and good company. But, before you sit down with your loved ones to enjoy all that wonderful bounty, take a minute to read these kitchen safety tips for kids and adults alike.

How to best support your partner when they are upset

3/21/2018

A common issue I encounter with couples is knowing how to best support your partner when they are upset. Most people have an impulse to problem-solve when that’s not what is wanted or needed. This often stems in part from underlying anxiety on the part of the listener. It is hard to see one’s partner in distress.

Most people, when they are upset, are not able to clearly communicate what they need. When you put the problem-solving anxiety together with an inability to communicate needs, you have a recipe for disappointment, misattunement, and frustration.

Knowing that it is difficult to work on these things in the moment, it makes sense to sit down and talk about it at a time when both partners are not in distress.

Grieving, supporting mourners, and dealing with our mortality

3/14/2018

Last week, I wrote about the passing of my mother. This week’s post is about grieving and the price we pay for avoiding dealing with our mortality.

GRIEVING, SUPPORTING MOURNERS, AND DEALING WITH OUR MORTALITY

The Shiva Show

In the Jewish tradition, Shiva is a time for grieving, to take care of those that are mourning and pay respects to those that have died. Mourners are supposed to be provided with food, so they don’t have to think about feeding themselves. You’re not supposed to ask mourners how they are doing for the first 30 days because the answer is obvious. Traditionally, one doesn’t initiate conversation with mourners, rather one follows their leads.

Shiva has evolved into something very different, at least for non-religious Jews in the States. These days, the mourners are expected to cater the Shiva so people paying their respects can stuff their faces with bagels, lox, and rugelach (Jewish cookies). It’s more like a cocktail party, really.

My Mom is gone

3/9/2018

My mom

On Monday, February 19 I had an acupuncture session in the afternoon. That night, I had the best sleep I had had in months. I didn’t wake up at all during the night and I sat up and smiled when my alarm sounded at 7:30 Tuesday morning playing Ottmar Liebert’s Merengue de Alegrias.

Before I could even turn my alarm off, my wife, Debbie, came back into the room, silenced my phone, knelt down next to me and removed the earplug from my left ear. I was about to tell her how well I slept when I saw the expression on her face. “Amor,” she said. “Your mom died in her sleep last night.” She hugged me. I sat there silent and after a few minutes I curled up into a ball on my bed and pulled the covers over my face.

Work on the issues in your relationship versus trying to solve them

2/15/2018

When you're in a committed relationship, it is much more important and realistic to work on the issues in your relationship versus trying to solve them. Sure, it's nice to be able to tackle something and move on, but that's not the way it works most of the time.

Pressing pause when things heat up

1/29/2018

I had a session with a couple today that have been working hard to address their issues amidst a slew of demands including an international move, changing jobs, graduate school, kids, and their own relationship issues.

At one point in the session I stopped them and said something along the lines of how easy it is for me to sit where I am sitting and to see things clearly, and that if I were in their shoes I'd be getting into fights with my wife too.

Pressing Pause when things heat up

One thing that we have worked on incorporating is a system for them to press pause when either or both feel that they are ramping up too quickly during a discussion.

We agreed that when this happens that they will try to use a code word or phrase that means that they need to take a break. We also agreed that they will reconvene within 24 hours no matter what, even if they need more time to process.

This is really hard to do when one or both members of the couple are feeling triggered. In a recent instance, she needed a break and he wanted to keep going, so he was frustrated when they took a pause, but they did reconvene within the hour and worked through it.

Kids EXPLORING their bodies means parents must deal with their own issues

1/24/2018

When we see our kids exploring their bodies, it often makes us as parents uncomfortable. It's up to us to help our kids understand the idea of privacy and private parts without shaming them.

There's nothing quite like children playing with themselves to throw parents off their game. First of all, little kids don't care where they are or who they're with. It's all fair game. The apple hasn't been plucked from the tree yet. It feels good, so they do it. Makes sense.

Privacy and private parts

It's up to us to help them understand the idea of privacy and private parts without shaming them. Ever heard a parent tell their son to stop playing with it or it'll fall off? I have. That's pretty messed up. If they are naive enough to fiddle on the front lines, they are naive enough to believe that it is possible that their penises will fall off if they keep playing with them.

<<Previous

Dealing With Loss: Trying To Make Friends With Change

The Process Of Change

The process of change

Changing negative beliefs: How to stop letting your past determine your future

Keep your family safe with these kitchen safety tips

How to best support your partner when they are upset

Grieving, supporting mourners, and dealing with our mortality

The Shiva Show

My Mom is gone

Work on the issues in your relationship versus trying to solve them

Pressing pause when things heat up

Pressing Pause when things heat up

Kids EXPLORING their bodies means parents must deal with their own issues

Privacy and private parts

Archives

Categories

Home

About

Blog

Contact

Resources

RElationship reboot ebook